It is an aching pain that has numbed my senses. I can’t process what has happened and what is currently happening. The pain is unbearable and doesn’t let me sleep at night.
And if what I have heard is true, this pain will never go away. It may be pushed into the background or maybe I will learn to live with it. But this hole in my heart will always remain.
And pain is transformative. I will never be who I was again. But I know this much is true. I have the choice of who I will become as a result of this pain. My pain will morph into something else and I get to choose what it morphs into. Will it become sadness, bitterness, negativity, regret and self loathing? Or can I make it love, resilience, and strength? What I chose now will determine my current and future state.
After a particularly painful incident, I had completely lost my faith. I have been unable to pray or worship with any authenticity. Spiritual yes, but faithful no – that has been my state for the past 14 years. But mom’s sickness and departure have converted me. I have been praying incessantly while she was unwell and have been doing so even now that she is no more. It has been years since I was able to listen to Bhagwad Katha with so much devotion in my heart. So the change is already happening. I have chosen love, faith, devotion, which will all lead to resilience and strength.
And rightly so – the departure of such a beautiful soul could only result in this rejuvenation of faith, love, and devotion. Thanks mom. I will always remember and love you 🙏🙏🙏.